conversateisnotaword

We’ve gotten to the point where we can customize every aspect of our lives. We have an unprecedented ability today to surround ourselves with only the things we like and the things that interest us. Our Tivos insure we only watch what we like. OUr Ipods insure we only listen to music we like. Cable news channels insure that we get information only from people who agree with our views and reinforce the opinions we already have. We custom design our houses. We custom design our computers. We custom design our coffee each morning. The world provides enough choices for us to basically custom-design our entire lives. But what about when it comes to people? How does this effect our interactions with others, our ability to form and sustain relationships? Could our quest to customize everything keep us from connecting with those that are tailor-made for us?

Its a challenge. And I’m a witness sitting on testimony. We get so used to being able to program everything that sometimes you cant help from trying to custom-design your relationships.

From friends to men, I realize that I often attempt to surround myself with people who have exactly everything i want and nothing else. Can I tell you what a recipe for disaster this strategy has been in my life? It has resulted in me being single with exactly 4 friends.

Under the guise of “standards” I have overlooked and ignored some really great people in my life. If you didnt have my exact sense of humor, my exact sense of style, my exact notion of intelligence, my exact notion of family, my exact notion of what degrees you need to have earned by now, i bypassed. If you didnt have everything i thought you should have at this exact stage of your life, I bypassed. If you werent funky enough, werent conservative enough, if you didnt like a particular movie that i felt everyone with a brain should have loved, I kept it moving. I may have thought you were balding too much or your accent was too weird or your sweaters were too tight or you walked funny or you had a funny front tooth or your ass was too high. All of which, in the past, were reasons for me to walk away.

All in this ridiculous quest to find the “perfect” friend or man. What lunacy. I realized over this past year, when I saw toads turn into princes and cavaliers turn into cads, that I had it all wrong. I had focused all my attention exclusively on the factors about people that WEREN’T important. I overlooked character and devotion and sacrifice and consideration and strength and honesty and integrity, in favor of me feeling good and comfortable. I’d rather be comfortable with someone’s devotion to me, rather than be comfortable with the fact they get all my jokes. I’d rather know in my heart that you’d go to bat for me if shit ever went down, than know that you got a couple degrees and a big house. I’d rather have faith in your honesty, than have faith that you will impress everyone at a social function.

I say all this to say that I now understand that relationships with people are ALL about the challenges of your differences. THATS how you grow. You grow by compromising, by learning about differences, different views and different perspectives. Different ways of doing things, different ways of looking at things. You want someone to add to you not just keep you level. Some people may not come with everything you may want but hell, then you find out theres a bunch of great things you will get in the deal that you hadnt even thought of.

This is different from settling, where once you enter a relationship, you tolerate things that dont make you happy or take away from your self-growth. Im just talking about getting in the door.

The voluntary limiting of our own world view is one of the reasons that, with all the information we are inundated with everyday, we are stupider than ever. Its because we each listen, look at, watch, read and surf, the same shit every day. Because we can. I mean how many fucking times can I watch those Golden Girls episodes?

The only way you learn is if you are challenged. When was the last time you were looking through channels and found a new show that was interesting? When was the last time you were flipping through radio stations–wait no one listens to the radio anymore. When was the last time you watched a different news show in the morning? I spend so much time listening to one playlist, i forget all the other cool songs i have on my Ipod. Our world has become so myopic.

And I know this isnt rocket science. This is absolutely common sense. But i hadnt realized how much my custom life bled into my relationships with people. I wanted exactly what i wanted when i wanted it. I was young and single and had disposable income–why shouldnt i get what i wanted, like i do in all other aspects of my life? But people just dont work that way. And I just wanted to share this tidbit because it almost became second-nature, unconscious and I wouldnt want anyone else falling into this trap.

So what his shoes are a little beat up around the heel, you can get new shoes. So what the credit is a little tricky, you can help work on that. So what his house is in a tricky area–move him into yours and rent that shit out. OK, maybe he had a funny tooth, but veneers will work that right out. So what she’s overweight and drives away all the men that approach you, but she’s a good friend, will drive you to the airport late at night and gives great real estate tips. Dont sweat the small stuff, look deeper.

So in your quest for friendships and relationships, dont be afraid to open up to something new, dont design it, just let it happen. With people, you cant add and subtract amenities like you do with your custom McMansions. Try living your life on shuffle for a while. You never know what you may hear. DAMN, thats my jam!!!

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